Lilith Red

When people ask me what my first experience with erotica was, I like to the tell them about this time I was grounded for the summer and stole a naughty book from my mom's bookshelf. The book in question was Anaïs Nin's Little Birds. I was almost 13, and I had no idea what "erotica" was. I just thought that that the book was so pretty, all red and gold, frayed around the edges. I was so excited to sit down and read it. I loved Harry Potter. I knew this book was sure to be an adventure.

I figured out very quickly that I definitely shouldn't be reading it.

I kept reading it anyway.

the killer in me is the killer in you

i loved you like a weapon
with your kiss like a razor
and a grip like a vice
that left impressions in deeper places
people couldn't see
except when they asked about you
and then your brand became impossible to hide
They could see the evidence on my bare skin appear
teeth that had been on my neck
hands that had trailed over hips
marks of tenderness?
i loved you like a poison
thick, like syrup,
with your sticky-sweet words that
burned all the way down
every time i swallowed
your laughs and your lies
and your wishes and your groans
I drank the desperate syllables that fell from your mouth
like you’d choke if they weren’t said out loud
i loved you like a drug
to erase the memories that hurt
and the ache i felt without you
like the warm–water-feeling
of skin and skin
like I reached the top
like hadn’t one care
floating or flying or drowning
like it would make the daggers in your smile disappear
I loved you like a sin
or like a virtue
I’d commit over and over again
I loved you like art
like the Sistine chapel above me
when you were coming apart
I loved you like I hated reality
when I’d die for any other alternative
and yet
it’s the only thing that even makes sense to me
at least on days like these

I was addicted to the high
to the fact that i might die
if you touched me with those soft hands
and those silver words that slice
kissed me with those lips that feel so good on thighs
even while they whispered lies
or if you looked too long at me
with those burning eyes
showing me a harsher truth
that each moment with you
was a lesson
at every turn
and the lesson taught in your love is
like the moral of a fable that doesn’t end well

well, I learned.